Hard Stuff and a Unicorn

For several months now, I’ve been looking for the right opportunity to include a blog post about our friend Kate.

Kate is one of my wife’s best friends. They grew up near each other in Dimondale. They played on the same softball and basketball teams, went to proms and on spring break trips together.  

Kate was a bridesmaid in our wedding. We’ve known her and her husband James for the entire time that we’ve been together (actually Teresa went  to Europe with Kate and James and another one of their friends back before I had even come into the picture.)

In the early days before kids, we used to travel down to their house in Dexter to hang out for the weekend, or to spend New Year’s together. But as our families started to grow, those opportunities became more infrequent, and instead we had to cherish those rare chances to hang out with Kate and James at one of the girls’ class reunions, or we’d look forward to receiving Kate’s epic holiday newsletter in the mail each December to see what new theme she had come up with, and to check out the latest photos of their kids Lola, Ruby and Gus.

Time marched on, and life continued, and we tried our best to keep in touch, see each other whenever we could.

And then last October, my wife Teresa received that devastating text from her friend Kate. 

None of us can even begin to imagine what Kate and her family have been going through over the past year. Naturally, you want to do whatever you can do to help, be there to provide support or anything else they might need.

And in my naïve thinking, I wanted to use my blog, my new platform to help tell Kate’s story, to talk about all of the stuff that she’s been going through. But there never seemed to be the right opportunity, I knew that I would never be able to come up with the right words to say.

And then the other day I read her husband James’ latest journal entry, and it was absolutely perfect. 

I reached out to him and asked if it would be okay to repost his journal entry on my blog, so with his permission, I have included it below.

 Kate, we love you and will continue to be there for you and your family.

Keep up the good fight!

Visit the Caringbridge website to add a comment and show your support for Kate, or see the “ways to help” page to get even more involved.

Hard Stuff and a Unicorn

Journal entry by James Boynton from CaringBridge.com.

Kate Boynton - Team Rainbow

I know it has been a while since the last update - yes life has been busy with kids going back to school-ish and weekly chemo, rather than the bi-weekly chemo.  I wish I could say that was the real reason for the lack of updates, but that ain't it.

Since the last update, things have been rough. Nobody likes talking about the hard stuff. 

While Kate continues to fight each and every day, each day is a battle. A few weeks ago, Kate made the courageous decision to modify her pain meds. She reduced her morphine intake, and began to use cannabis based meds in combination with the opioids (morphine).  Ya see, while the morphine can make pain go away, some of the side effects really suck. Lots. For example, the morphine can slow your digestive system to a crawl, and just suck the energy out of you. Sure the morphine might control the cancer pain, but it created an entirely different monster with constipation / digestion pain.  That, in turn, led to taking other meds, which leads to different side effects, which spirals into different bullshit. It seemed to be never ending. So, she decided to bring on the weed based stuff. Of course, this brought on other complications because - well - because there is a taboo around weed products, and doctors can't really advise you on dosage or usage of weed.  It is still federally illegal after all. Oh, and morphine withdrawal is a bitch ...and that's without chemo.  

So, the last several weeks have been hard.  Keeping any food down is a battle. Staying hydrated is a constant struggle. Managing the pain - at times is heartbreaking to watch.

Now I want to take a step back.

When I met Kate back in 1995, one of the things I did with her, was take her to McDonalds. Super romantic, I know.  To be fair she had put me in the friend zone pretty quickly – and while I may have had bigger aspirations, she made sure to tell me where I stood. While I wasn't thrilled about my lack of a call-up to the boyfriend league, I figured she was still fun to be around, so I took a chance to get to know her better with a friendly trip to McDonalds.  In my college frat boy head, I thought I could get a gauge on how high maintenance she might be based on her order.  She ordered a McChicken meal without any customization.  BOOM!  There was no light mayo. No addition of 3 things while simultaneously stripping away everything that made the base sandwich great (which it was in the mid-90s). And definitely NO SALAD! Sure, a Big Mac or Quarter Pounder would have signaled low maintenance, the choice of chicken somehow seemed to indicate she still had some level of care for what she ate ...at McDonalds.  This friend crap wasn't going to cut it for me. She had to be mine. She already passed my 4 critical "wife material" tests, and she just aced the McDonalds meal pop quiz.

What are the 4 critical wife tests you ask?  Well, in my brilliance as a young college man I had come up with 4 qualities my wife should possess. First, blue eyes.  This one was actually probably lowest on the list, but I had a class in junior high that taught me that blue eyes were a recessive trait, and I have them, so I thought it was cool, and figured my kids should have them.  Kate has blue eyes - even though neither of her parents has them. Interesting...  I also thought I wanted to look into blue eyes as I got older.  That's probably totally normal for a frat boy to think about the kind of eyes he wants to look into when he's 80.  Hey, everybody has their issues. Let’s move on, shall we?

The other tests were:

Ability to play catch: I grew up with 3 brothers and a sister that could throw and catch pretty well, and did it often. My sister even played QB for the 'boys' football team in elementary school.  So, my wife was going to have to be able to play along to fit in. Well, Kate played softball - specifically shortstop, so she could throw and catch with the best of them.  She crushed this test.

Ability to drive a stick shift: I'm a car geek. Sure I get excited about a Ferrari or Porsche - but my issues run deep.  True car geeks don't just appreciate 'cool' cars.  They get truly excited about the functionality of different types of cars.  Ya see, I've got a special spot in my heart for station wagons and minivans. Yes, I'm aware that nobody else likes them, but I do. I also enjoy the kind of driving - which can only be properly done with 3 pedals and lever to shift your own gears. When I met Kate, she drove a baby blue Toyota Corolla wagon that was a 5 speed stick shift. WHAAA?? Who was this mythical creature? 

Loving kids: She is an only child, so I wasn't sure how this would work out, but she was going into teaching.  Once I got to see her around kids, and see the joy and energy she had around them I was sold. 

I had found my unicorn. I suppose it only makes sense that she loves rainbows, huh?

Too bad she didn't have any interest in me.  At least not until I showed her how comfortable I was with just being friends.  Yeah, I went on a date with someone other than her. In fact, I had a smokin' hot date to my homecoming formal.  Kate was even supportive.  Well, right up until she crashed the invite only formal that she wasn't invited to.  She showed up in her PJs and hunted me down on the dance floor full of suits and fancy dresses.  Kate told me she didn't like thinking of me being there with another girl. She said she wanted to be with me. Then she pushed me against the wall and she kissed me.  I honestly have no idea what happened to my date.  I couldn't even tell you if she was next to me when all that happened, and I didn't care.  I had wanted Kate to be my date all along. Hasta la vista friend zone. 

It's funny how things work out. I often think that because she put me in the friend zone initially, we actually got to know each other. I gave up trying to impress her. I burped and farted in front of her and just enjoyed her as a friend. Really and truly. She's still my best friend, and everyday I realize that more. We've been through so much together. We've been next to each other for terrible losses (think my cousin Nick, and her Aunt Cindy as well as some grandparents), as well as incredible additions – like the in-laws (though they quietly refer to themselves as "The Outlaws") and nieces and nephews and of course our own Lola, Ruby and Gus.

Kate has been the most incredible mother, partner and friend. We've dealt with scary things like being unemployed, a mugging at knifepoint, family holidays and a friggin tornado. We've also created countless memories with family and friends. We've travelled, saved wisely, spent frivolously, got a rose from the chief of police in Barcelona, and stood under waterfalls in the UP.  We've watched our children grow from the seats of theaters and the sidelines. There's no way I could put into words how much she means to me, or how much she has given me.  Sure, I can type stuff out, but it is woefully inadequate.

I don't know if everyone gets to feel this way about someone, but I hope so. It's amazing.

So, while things now are hard, it is also important to remember how great they are. Even right now. For the past couple weeks, Kate has battled back and improved a little each day. She does what we call 'power walks' through the house.  Think mall walking, but on a smaller scale.  She may only be able to walk for a couple minutes at a time, but she is determined to do it at least a few times each day. We also try to get outside and go for a drive on nice days.  Yep, we live a little bit of the Vanilla Ice lifestyle and roll in the five-point-O with the ragtop down so our hair can blow. It helps live out a dream we've both had of driving around on a beautiful day with the person of our dreams in a cool car, music blaring.

So, my unicorn continues her battle. On Monday, she will have scans. On Tuesday, we will know the results. Of course I'm scared for what they might be, and also hopeful for what they could be.  Either way, I'm pretty lucky. But that doesn't stop me from hoping for a little more Rainbow.

Kate and James Boynton at Chris and Teresa’s wedding.