For Whom Golf Is A Religious Experience - Encore
The golf gods must be smiling down upon us today!
In my June 11 blog, “For Whom Golf Is A Religious Experience – Part 2” I referenced a “How to Golf” video that my friend Brad Thomas and I made for our mass media class back in high school. I suspected that there may still be a copy of this video buried on someone’s private YouTube channel somewhere, so I appealed to my old friend Brad, saying that if he was listening, to please post a link to the video on the Accessiversity Facebook page.
Well, as fate would have it, Brad was listening, and a few days later the two of us were able to connect through Facebook Messenger.
In addition to making some classic films with me in Ms. Klimenko’s English and Mass Media classes, Brad actually participated in theater and drama club throughout high school. After graduation, he continued his theatrical and film-making pursuits all the way out to California where he now works as a Supervising Producer with Associated Television International. In fact, Brad’s been nominated for two Emmys for his television work, and currently has three shows on National television. So, needless to say, he’s come a long way from the early days of making indie films with me. I couldn’t be prouder of him and his accomplishments.
He did some digging, and was able to uncover an old, original Betamax recording of our “How to Golf” video that he was kind enough to post to YouTube for me to share with my “Tales of the Reluctant Blind” audience.
The film tells the story of Chris and Brad Annoying (A.K.A. the Annoying brothers) who win an all expenses paid trip out to a golf resort in Colorado. The resort, owned by the club’s proprietor (played by our classmate Andrea Bird) is where we were to receive free lessons from their resident golf pro (Portrayed by our other classmate Kosby Winne — who, incidentally, recently reconnected with me on Facebook as well.)
The endless string of lame jokes, slapstick comedy and silly gags was loosely based on actual events, namely that nobody would ever mistake Brad or me as serious golfers.
The entire video only lasts about 11 minutes, and is well worth the watch.
Now, mind you, this footage is almost 30-years-old, so the video/sound quality is extremely poor in some places. However, I have included a full transcript below in an attempt to fill in some of the missing or hard to make out dialogue. We shot the film on Brad’s old Betamax camcorder and did most of the first edits by hooking up two VCRs through a primitive process called “crash dubbing”. You can tell by the howling wind from most of the scenes out on the course that microphones back then didn’t include options for filtering out unwanted background noise.
What your left with is a crude, yet surprisingly entertaining film that still stands up after all of these years. For starters, this is a chance to see a 17-year-old version of me sporting a ridiculous, makeshift golf outfit, which consisted of a red long sleeve turtleneck underneath an ugly purple polo and knee high white tube socks pulled up over a pair of pink, purple and white plaid Skidz to give the appearance of them being a pair of traditional golf-style knickers. And nothing says classy more than pleather, as in the brown pleather golf bag with mis-matched black straps that I referenced in my June 11 blog, which this video now provides actual visual evidence of. There are multiple places in the film where the audio is playing at 3X speed (including a couple of classic Rob Base & D.J. EZ Rock songs) resulting from a technical issue with the equipment in the school’s new sound mixing suite that we could never quite figure out, so we just left it in the movie “as is” (the one, hilarious exception to this was during one of Brad’s speaking parts that we decided we needed to re-record, but because we couldn’t figure out how to fix the audio speed issue, we had him read the line in super slow-motion and the resulting sped-up audio makes him sound like a chipmunk). There are several spontaneous, unscripted moments like the time Brad accidentally knocks me down while celebrating on the tee and then I trip over my driver while trying to get back up, or when I did some ad-libbed shoplifting in the pro shop and poured an entire bucket of golf balls down my pants. And if that wasn’t enough, you can see rare footage of me performing my patented Naked Gun move during a mesmerizing dance sequence that caps off one of our completely unnecessary, over-the-top on-course celebrations.
So, without further ado, join us as we go back in time to enjoy an encore presentation of the Thomas-Knapp Productions classic…
Screenshot from the “How To Golf” video showing Chris and Brad dressed in golf attire checking in.
How To Golf: Link To Full Video HERE
(scene of car pulling into parking lot)
(music fades out as car comes to a stop)
Narrator (Kosby): Meet Chris Annoying
(Chris steps out of car, closes the door behind him and clumsily drops several golf balls onto the pavement)
Chris: Oh, oh, oh no.
Brad: Chris, can’t you do anything right?
Narrator (Kosby): …and Brad Annoying
Brad: You idiot.
Narrator (Kosby): … the Annoying brothers.
Chris: No!
(Chris kneels down to look for his golf ball that rolled under the car)
Narrator (Kosby): Brad and Chris won an all expense paid trip to a famous golf course in Colorado…
Chris: I’ll get it, I’ll get it.
Narrator (Kosby): …but the only problem is…
(Brad opens door hitting Chris in the head)
Chris: Ow,
Narrator (Kosby): …they can’t golf.
Chris: you hit me in the head.
(Chris opens the trunk of the car and starts pulling out a set of golf clubs as Brad looks around)
Narrator (Kosby): Before they left they decided to get some help with their golf game…
Brad: Hurry up!
Narrator (Kosby): …so they contacted a PGA pro, Kosby Winne…
Brad: Boy, this is a wonderful day out…
Narrator (Kosby): …to help them learn…
Brad: Ow, ah-ha-ah-ha!
(screams as his hand gets slammed in the trunk of the car)
Narrator (Kosby): …how to golf.
(Animation showing “How to Golf!” being spelled out with golf balls)
(scene of a pro shop)
Andrea: Yeh, oh hold on, wait, I’ve got another call. Golf Center.
(Brad and Chris enter through door, Chris accidently tips his golf bag and all of his clubs start spilling out onto the floor)
Brad: Idiot.
Chris: Crap! I got it, I got it, I got it.
Brad: Miss, we’re here for our tee time, Miss?
Andrea: Just a second…
Brad: One minute… Okay.
(Chris hurriedly dumps an entire basket of golf balls into his pants)
Brad: These are nice clubs, hey…
Andrea: There are some customers here.
Brad: What’s that over there?
(Brad quickly conceals a golf club in his shirt)
Chris: Hey, you dropped a few balls, miss. I’ll get them for you.
Andrea: Do you have a tee time?
Brad: Yeh, we have a tee time…ah, but I don’t know what time it is though, what time’s our tee time?
Andrea: What are your names?
Chris: Brad and Chris Annoying, the Annoying brothers, you may have heard of us.
Andrea: Yup, Kosby’s out…
Brad: We won that contest, you know, to Colorado.
Chris: Yeah, all-expenses paid trip…
Brad: So, are these free?
Chris: …brand new course.
Andrea: Kosby’s waiting for you out on the tee.
Brad: Kosby’s waiting for us out on the tee, Kosby, right? PGA Tour Kosby, alright? Hold on, I’m going to check out a putter…
Andrea: You can go right out, right out the back…
Chris: Alright.
Andrea: …she’s waiting for you.
Chris: Okay, alright.
(Brad and Chris approach the tee box where Kosby is waiting for them)
Kosby: Hi, you must be Brad and Chris, I’m Kosby.
Brad: That’s right.
Kosby: It’s nice to meet you guys.
Chris: Hi.
Kosby: Um, Chris why don’t you go ahead and hit first and let’s see what you can do.
Brad: Show me your stuff big guy.
Chris: Oh, okay, alright.
(Chris walks over to the tee box and prepares to hit)
Brad: Wait Chris, before you go, your shoe’s untied.
Chris: Oh yeah, sure, I’m not going to fall for that. Oh.
(bends down to tie his shoe while inadvertently getting the head of his club tangled up in the laces)
Chris: Ah, it’s beautiful out, you know, you know it’s going to be a beautiful day.
(Chris stands and addresses the ball as he prepares to hit)
Kosby: Now Chris, you’re going to want to make sure that you get a nice big back swing on that before you hit it.
Brad: Go for it big guy, hehehe.
(Chris awkwardly collapses to the ground when attempting his back swing)
Chris: Whoa! Oh geez, I fell there.
(close-up of Brad laughing)
Brad: What an idiot, what an idiot.
Kosby: Okay Brad, let’s see you try.
(Brad takes a big swing, but as the camera pans back you notice that he has missed the ball)
Chris: Hey, the ball’s right there.
Brad: Alright, here I go again.
(whiffs at the ball several more times)
Kosby: Let me show you how to do it Brad.
Brad: Certainly!
(Kosby prepares to hit as Chris and Brad look on from behind her)
Kosby: You guys make sure you stand back so I don’t hit you.
Chris: Oh, whatever babe.
Brad: Sure babe.
Chris: Uh! (gets hit in the groin)
Brad: Uh! (gets hit in the head during the follow through)
(Chris stands in tee box preparing to hit)
Brad: Let’s see her go, come on. Whoa, nice hit!
Chris: Alright! It’s way up there!
Brad: You hit the river! You hit the river!
(Brad and Chris excitedly knock into each other before awkwardly tumbling to the ground)
Chris: Oh geez, what are you doing? You’re messing up my clubs.
(Chris trips over the shaft of Brad’s club and falls backwards)
Brad: Idiot!
(close-up of an exacerbated Chris)
Chris: I got another birdie.
Brad: Why do you keep doing this?
Kosby: Chris, birdies are good, you want a birdie.
Chris: No, you don’t understand, I hit another birdie.
(holds up a bird)
Brad: Boy, I’m glad that I brought this bag for my sandwiches, let’s see, we’ve got some robins, a cardinal, and a sparrow.
(scene of Chris taking a swing)
Chris: Kosby, Kosby, what’s that word you…that number you yell like when you’re about to hit someone? You know that…
Kosby: Four?
Chris: …Four!
(close-up of Brad)
Brad: What’s Chris saying? Floor? What’s he saying floor for?
(gets hit in the head by a golf ball)
Brad: Oh, what a great hit, (walks into sand trap) whoa, Kosby, Kosby, help me, I’m sinking!
Kosby: I’ll help you, grab onto this Brad.
Brad: Gotcha, haha.
(scene of Brad and Chris sitting in a golf cart)
Brad: Boy that last shot of ours’ was great. Alright, ready? Sweet cart we got…I’m just glad…that was really good of that guy to give us this cart…ready? Floor it!
Chris: Oh, here it is. Wait, this isn’t my ball, this is Brad’s.
(uses his foot to stomp on Brad’s ball)
Chris: Geez, I thought I hit it a lot farther. Hey, no one’s looking, time to reveal that secret weapon.
(sets down his golf bag and takes out a slingshot)
Kosby: In the end, cheaters always get caught.
Brad: Hey Chris, did you find your ball yet?
(Brad steps on Chris’ hand as he is reaching down to pick up his ball)
Chris: Ow, uh, uh.
Brad: Oh sorry, where’s my ball?
(Brad turns and knocks Chris to the ground with his golf bag)
Chris: Ow.
(scene of Chris preparing to putt)
Kosby: Now, you have to be, Brad, Brad.
Chris: Be quiet, I’m trying to putt.
Kosby: That’s right, you have to be real quiet when someone’s putting.
Brad: Okay, I promise. Hey, pitcher’s got a rubber arm, putter’s got a… ah.
(throws putter at Brad)
Chris: Sorry, I got a little mad.
(Brad removes bent putter from around his neck)
Brad: Pretty nice day out.
(gets blown backwards and tumbles to the ground)
(scene of Brad and Kosby standing next to a water hazard)
Brad: I swear, I swear my ball went in there, I mean, oh, oops, sorry.
Kosby: Oh.
Brad: Oh, that’s right. Oh, you almost had it. Alright, get it, get it.
Kosby: I almost got it.
Brad: Alright, you got it, alright, alright, now…
(retrieves a ball from the water)
Kosby: Is this your ball?
Brad: I’m not sure, pull it out, let’s take a look, let’s take a look. And, let’s see. No, no. Stick it with the others.
(tosses it into a pile of several dozen balls lying on the ground)
Brad: Geez, I could swear I saw it.
Kosby: I’ll start looking again.
(close-up of Chris preparing to hit)
Chris: I’ve got a tough shot, but some guy’s in the way. Ah, I can hit over him.
(ball hits nearby golfer in the stomach)
Golfer (Brett): Hey you, in the purple, come here!
(surprised Chris stumbles, looks back at camera as he’s being chased by the angry golfer)
Golfer (Brett): Come here!
Narrator (Kosby): At first, beginners have a lot of confidence.
Brad: What a hit! Yeh!
(Brad and Chris dance around)
Brad: Ooo, yes!
(dance around more)
Chris: Oh man, I’m in the sand trap. I’ll just have to hit it straight up in the air and hope it goes in.
(camera follows ball as it is shot into the air and ends up dropping into the cup on the fly)
Chris: Nice shot!
(Brad prepares to make a long putt)
Brad: Ready?
Chris: Go.
(scene of a frustrated Brad and Chris stomping off)
Narrator (Kosby): But eventually, their confidence starts to fall…
Chris: Why did we ever pick up this game?
Brad: This game sucks! I hate, I’m going to throw these clubs away!
Chris: Do you still have my receipt for the clubs?
(video montage of Chris creating a giant divot, Brad attempting multiple putts, etc. as Rob Base and D.J. EZ Rock song “Joy and Pain” plays at 3x speed)
Chris: What are all of these clubs doing here? (several clubs appear to have been angrily slammed into the ground) Looks like Brad’s not doing too hot.
(close-up of Brad)
Brad: Chris, get back here, come here.
Chris: What?
Brad: I can’t find my ball.
Chris: What do you mean you can’t find your ball, you’re out in the middle of nowhere.
Brad: Yes, but I accidentally hit it in the driving range.
(camera pans out to show Brad standing in a field with hundreds of golf balls on the ground all around him)
Brad: Ah, it was pretty good, except for a couple of divots.
(camera pans down to show several large dirt spots on the ground)
(scene of Brad and Chris walking off the course)
Chris: We should do a lot better in Colorado.
Brad: Yeah.
Kosby: So, how did you guys do?
Brad: Oh, we did pretty good, yeh, yeh, check this out.
Kosby: Let me see your scorecard.
Brad: I marked them up really good for us, and ah…
Chris: So ah, yeah, we’ll see you, we’ll see you when we get back from Colorado.
(close-up of scorecard showing a bunch of low scores recorded for several holes)
Kosby: Wait a minute you guys, who scored this?
Brad: Oh, I did, hehehe.
(Credits start as Rob Base and D.J. EZ Rock song “It Takes Two” begins to play)
(Credits and music fade out, Brett’s face appears)
Brett: Me too!