Two Week Notice
Well, I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a better than average chance that I might be packing my family up soon and moving overseas to pursue a new career opportunity.
Of course, this is all completely unexpected, nothing I had planned for, but you know what they say, “When opportunity comes knocking…sometimes you just have to drop everything and move to northern England to run a 300-year-old pub and become a King of a small remote island.”
But before we officially say our goodbyes, and commence
with what I’m sure will be an awkward adjustment period for many of you (if you’re wondering, yes, I do expect you to start addressing me as “Sire,” “My Liege,” and/or “Your Royal Highness”) let me pause a moment to try and explain how we got here…
Morning Coffee
When I woke up Saturday morning I couldn’t have ever imagined the series of events that were about to transpire, the fortuitous breaks that would go my way hour after hour, the enigmatic cyber trail that I would slowly uncover to reveal one puzzle piece after the other until I had no choice but to follow through on the unbelievably lucky hand that fate had dealt me.
It all started innocently enough, as my wife and I went about what was for us, a normal routine for a lazy weekend morning. We had woken up shortly before 8am and went downstairs to let the dog out and start a pot of coffee. A few minutes later, my wife and I were enjoying our first cups of coffee as we sat on opposite ends of our L-shaped sectional scrolling through our phones, Teresa reading new posts from friends and family on Facebook and checking out ideas for craft projects on Pinterest, as I started swiping through the latest stories coming up in my news feed.
About ten minutes and a half of cup of coffee into my first look at the day’s headlines, I came across an article by “Travel & Leisure” correspondent Stacey Leasca titled, “This Remote British Isle Wants You to Move There and Run Its 300-year-old Pub” (you can read the article here: https://www.travelandleisure.com/jobs/job-opening-run-the-ship-inn-piel-island-uk )
Of course I took this to mean that they literally wanted “ME” of all people, otherwise they wouldn’t have used “You” in their call-to-action (I remember telling myself,) which made perfect sense when you consider the other facts of the case, namely that it was an opportunity to live on an island and run an old pub, both things that I felt I was more than qualified to do.
Still, part of me was skeptical. After all, how could they possibly know it’s always been a dream of mine to be able to (legally) drive on the wrong side of the road? How could they possibly know how much I enjoy telling random strangers to mind their P’s & Q’s? And maybe most perplexing, how in the world were they able to direct this specific news article through to me and be confident that they would be able to get my attention?
After what must have been seconds and seconds of consternation, I took the bait, and clicked on the link to learn more.
Most of it was pretty straight forward job application stuff—Barrow Borough Council was looking for someone to run the island’s 300-year-old pub, serve as Landlord of the Ship Inn, and oversee several planned improvements to the 50-acre island’s aging infrastructure.
but then there it was, buried several paragraphs deep in the piece, the hook that had obviously been planted there just for me.
Aerial photo of Piel Island courtesy of Google Maps
As I read on, the article explained that, “…in true UK fashion, the person who takes on this role will be crowned King of Piel — with much pomp and circumstance. "The tradition holds that each new landlord is crowned 'King of Piel' in a ceremony of uncertain origin, in which they sit in an ancient chair, wearing a helmet and holding a sword while alcohol is poured over their head…”
Damn it, now things were getting serious. I had managed to downplay the whole pub and island thing, but then they saw my bluff, and they responded in kind with an offer to become ruler of my own English kingdom.
I was flattered, of course, but I’m not typically one to make decisions of this magnitude unilaterally, so I turned to my wife to ask for her input.
That wasn’t hard. Once she heard that it involved moving to the northern U.K. to live on a remote island and run a 300-year-old Ship Inn and pub, she didn’t hesitate to say, “Sure” when I asked whether I should apply for the job.
The next step involved looping my brother-in-law Jeff in. I shared the news article with him via text, and a few minutes later I received a text back from him saying, “This was posted in my beer group a bit ago, but how awesome would this be? I love the ceremony where you wear a helmet and hold a sword while they pour beer on your head.” To me, I took this as a second “yes” vote, so I sent him a follow-up text that said, “I was thinking of applying, can I put you down as a reference?” to which he responded, “Of course. Professional reference or character reference?” which prompted me to clarify with a one-word reply, “Both.”
Going Down the Rabbit Hole
At this point I had maybe wasted twenty minutes or so reading the article, telling my wife about the opportunity and having the follow-up text conversation with my brother-in-law, but things were about to get way, way worse.
There, embedded at the bottom of the article was an actual link to apply for the job.
Like I said, it was a lazy Saturday morning, and we didn’t have anything going on, so out of curiosity I clicked on it.
It re-directed me to some government web site, presumably the home page for the Barrow Borough Council. From there, I found myself clicking through to “The Chest,” the official government procurement portal, and reading through the details of the solicitation.
And that’s when I hit a dead end, or so I thought.
The posting indicated that the “Expression of Interest Window'' was to run “From 18/01/2022 08:00 to 04/02/2022 17:00.” Shit, I was too late, at least I thought I was, since I was convinced you must have to be a frickin’ NASA Astronaut with a slide rule to figure out their crazy time stamp system.
Well, I’ve never been one to give up that easy, and sensing that this must be some sort of test, I kept digging, and that’s when I found the name and contact information for the buyer managing the whole procurement process.
An idea started to galvanize in my head. I would send this guy an email, a sort of lighthearted inquiry into the “Ship-Inn Landlord/King of Piel” opportunity” as if I was just going through the motions of applying for any other job. I mean, really, what could it hurt?
Now, before any of you start criticizing me for wasting a bunch of my time that I could have been doing something more productive, before you start giving me shit for making this guy’s job more difficult, let me just try to defend my decision to see this idiotic prank all the way through to the end, instead of just cutting my losses when I could have, and honestly, probably should have.
First, it’s important to point out that nobody got hurt here. This is just an example of some good, old fashioned email trolling. In a best-case scenario, I thought I might get a cheeky response from this guy with follow-up questions about my ridiculous, and obviously fake inquiry, and worse case, I figured he might have to play things by the book and send me some generic, standard-issue response, but he’d at least get a good laugh, and have a funny story to share with the other people he works with in the procurement department.
Second, I’m not exaggerating when I say that from start to finish, the approximately 4 hours I spent doing my internet research, and writing my fictitious cover letter, and having my boys take me through the Burger King drive-thru so that I could get a paper crown for the photo I ended up attaching to my email, was definitely the most fun I have had in a very long time. It was 100% pure silliness, and sometimes that’s just what life calls for, so I have absolutely no regrets.
The potential future king of Piel Island
Finally, like I stated at the beginning of this blog post, you just never know. Maybe I say all the right things in my cover letter. Maybe they find my style of being direct refreshing. Maybe they don’t get any other applicants—let’s just say that I won’t be surprised if I get the call, and next thing you know I’m flying over on a Concorde supersonic jet to sign the paperwork and make it official.
So there you have it, you now know the entire back story.
Now, time for the fun part.
What follows is a copy of the actual cover letter, verbatim, that I emailed to Mr. Jamie Muir Saturday afternoon.
Chris “King of Piel” Cover Letter
“February 5, 2022
Jamie Muir
Barrow in Furness Borough Council
Barrow Town Hall
Barrow in Furness
Cumbria
LA14 2LD
United Kingdom
RE: Job Application for Ship-Inn Landlord/King of Piel
Dear Mr. Muir,
I am writing to express my interest in your recent posting for Ship-In Landlord/King of Piel.
I realize that the information posted to “The Chest” ProContractProcurement Portal indicated that the “Expression of Interest” window was set to expire on February 4, 2022 at 1700 hours, but to be honest with you, I’ve never been that strong at math, and with the whole time zone difference between the U.S. and U.K. I’m embarrassed to admit that the deadline had already passed by the time I worked out my calculations on some scratch paper, so I thought I would just reach out to you directly.
They say that you need to get a prospective employer’s attention in the first few sentences of your cover letter to convince them to read on, so I thought I would start by summing up my job application as if it were my bio line for a dating site.
So, here goes…
Middle-aged Blind Entrepreneur, Blogger, and Beer Connoisseur Who Enjoys Home Improvement Projects and Being Near the Water Seeking a Hospitality Management Position Offering Upward Career Mobility and/or a Noble Title/Kingship
Okay, now that I’ve got your attention, let me go through point-by-point and make my case for why I should become the next Ship-Inn Landlord/King of Piel…
Let’s start with my current employment situation. For the last several years, I have been self-employed and focused on marketing and growing a new accessibility/usability testing service I started up called Accessiversity. While it may not seem like my current work with Accessiversity would involve a lot of direct transferable skills, I am confident that my experience as an accessibility consultant/tester and long-time blind person will have an immediate impact on your operations if offered the Ship-Inn Landlord position, as I will be able to leverage my knowledge of Grade I braille to label all of the beer taps, food menus, juke box selections, etc. to contribute toward making the Ship-Inn a more accessible venue for its guests and staff. In addition, if you offer me the position, you not only get someone to manage your pub, but you will also be getting an expert marketer with a blog that literally reaches dozens and dozens of readers. As a good faith offer to sweeten the deal, I would be open to continuing my “Tales of the Reluctant Blind” blog to better market/publicize the Ship-Inn, possibly *re-branding it under a new title such as, “Tales of a Remote Island King,” “Tales of a Blind Ship-Inn Landlord,” or “Tales of a Reluctant, But Just, Beer Monarch” (*renaming of blog subject to domain name availability and Go Daddy DNS registration fees)
It’s obvious from your posting that the Ship-Inn and the property on which it sits is going to require a lot of construction-related work and upkeep. Well, you’ll be happy to know that my wife and I completely remodeled our first home including full kitchen and bathroom gut jobs, and upstairs addition with master en suite, and building a hockey-themed, fully functioning wet-bar in our basement which we named “The Lamplighter Tavern” (I know you guys don’t have hockey in the U.K. but as reference, it’s like your sport of cricket but played on ice and with fighting.) Moreover, in regards to the “Replacement of the Existing Toilet Block” project mentioned in the job posting, I’m proud to report that I have assisted with the digging of at least two outhouse holes up at my wife’s family’s property in the Upper Peninsula, which is practically the same thing as replacing an existing toilet block. I am including my brother-in-law Jeff’s information below as one of my references, as he supervised me during the digging of the new hole (and more importantly—was responsible for keeping me from falling into the old hole) when moving the outhouse into its new position.
In terms of my relevant hospitality industry experience, I’m sure you are aware of the fact that I worked as a bellman and van driver for the Holiday Inn South for a couple of years in the early nineties, ascending to the prestigious appointment of “Bell Captain” which is comparable to your noble title of “King of Piel” which will be conferred upon the successful applicant at the conclusion of this exhaustive search process. While I have not technically held any prior positions of nobility, which I realize may hurt my prospects of becoming your next “King of Piel,” I did serve as one of two Co-Exultant Dudes for Da’ Fellas (a high school fraternity that me and some of my friends established back when we were teenagers)--and if it wasn’t for me and my partner being unceremoniously bounced from our semi-final match when she lost her balance and accidently toppled over off of the vinyl mat, I would have most likely been crowned champion of the inaugural NCAA Co-ed Wear-a-Hat Twister Tournament hosted at my buddy Croft’s duplex that he shared with a couple of the other guys he went to Michigan State University with. I know, I know--should of/could of/would of does not a king one make, so in an effort to show you that I am indeed King material, I am enclosing a photo of me in my old Fella varsity jacket, wearing a Burger King crown, holding one of my kids foam Minecraft swords, as I sit on an antique chair that my wife’s aunt and uncle gave to us (it was from their grandparent’s cabin up at Higgins Lake and is by far the most “ancient chair” that we own.)
So, you might be asking yourself, “Exactly what qualifies this guy to run a pub on an island in the U.K.?” Well, I’m glad you asked.
For one, I like beer. While I enjoy a perfectly poured pint of Guinness served at room temperature, or the occasional Smithwick’s or Harp, I consider myself more of a I.P.A. drinker, which I’m sure you know, itself has English origins, as the name “Indian Pale Ale” is what the English navy coined their extra hoppy, delicious beer variety that they carried on-board with them during their long sea voyages to India.
Now, in full disclosure, I have never actually lived on an island. However I have visited Mackinac Island multiple times over the years, and have never once fallen off of it (although I came close during a trip back in 2010 which you can read about here: https://www.knappstrategic.com/accessiversity-blog/top-10-memories-from-felicia-and-eriks-wedding-trip-to-mackinac-island) While it’s not quite the same thing, my family and I have owned a cabin on Michigan’s largest inland lake for 7 years now, so we are accustomed to life on and near the water. In fact, this seems as good a place as any to mention one of my stipulations for accepting the Ship-Inn Landlord position. I don’t know about over in the U.K., but here in the states they don’t let blind people operate motorized watercraft (I don’t know, your guess is as good as mine--something to do with running over swimmers without-board motors and causing bodily harm, or blind jet skiers going a hundred miles an hour being a liability?—like I said, it was never fully explained to me) While the above might seem problematic for a prospective owner/operator of a Ship-Inn on an island with ferry service, let me assure you that you have nothing to worry about, because I’ll be bringing along my family, and my 16-year-old has had his Boater’s Safety Certificate for two years now, and my soon to be fourteen-year-old will be getting his later this spring, so not only have I lined someone up to captain the island ferry, I have also identified his back-up in the event that my older son is out sick one day, or happens to crash the ferry on a rocky shoal, or hits an iceberg H.M.S. Titanic style or whatever, and ends up getting his Sea Captain’s license suspended or revoked.
In conclusion, I wouldn’t be wasting your time if I didn’t think that I was the ideal candidate for the Ship-Inn Landlord/King of Piel position with the Barrow in Furness Borough Council. That being said, I know the selection committee might still view me as an outsider because I haven’t grown up experiencing all of your country’s history, and culture, and traditions first-hand. But let me just say that some of the biggest influences on this former English colonist’s life--Monty Python’s Holy Grail, the British Office, Elton John, etc.--are all things from the U.K. Sure, I might not have the same pedigree as some of the other applicants, but my maternal step grandfather was British and one of my good friends is Canadian, which I think you would agree, is pretty much the same thing.
I look forward to receiving your favorable response, forthcoming job offer, and clarification about whether I will be paid in U.K. pounds or U.S. dollars.? Also, if you wouldn’t mind letting me know whether the “King of Piel” comes with a scepter, and if acceptance of this noble title will technically make me a member of the Royal Family?
Thank you in advance for your consideration.
Your friend across the pond,
Chris Knapp”
(And then at the bottom of my email I also included the following references…)
“Name: Jeff Reynolds
Title: Brother-in-law
Relation to Applicant: Self-explanatory. If it’s not too much to ask, Jeff and his wife would also like to relocate with me and my family to Piel Island. Don’t worry, they travel light, and like I mentioned above, Jeff’s skills will be handy when we get around to starting the replacement of the existing toilet block project.
Contact Information: Furnished upon request
Name: Jeff Magnuson
Title: Director of the MSU Henry Center
Relation to Applicant: Jeff was a Front Desk Supervisor at the Holiday Inn South during the time I served as Bell Captain. Plus, he was at Croft’s NCAA Co-ed Wear-a-hat Twister Tournament and can back-up my story about almost being crowned tournament champion.
Contact Information: Furnished upon request
Name: Sir Elton John
Title: British rock star and icon
Relation to Applicant: Okay, so I don’t technically know Elton, however, my friend Brad and I once got moved up to the second row of one of his concerts at the Palace of Auburn Hills after his production company upgraded our tickets, and I’m pretty sure I own every single one of his albums on CD (see: https://www.knappstrategic.com/accessiversity-blog/no-29 if you don’t believe me)
so I feel like if you reached out to him, he’d probably have nice things to say about me. Plus, because he’s “Sir” Elton John, he’s the closest thing I have to a noble friend, which I didn’t think could hurt my chances for getting the “King of Piel” job.
Contact Information: Um, will have to get back to you about that.”
So, fingers, toes, and eyes crossed. Now it seems the only thing left to do is wait…