Spooktober Part 5: You’ve been Poo’ed

As a fun way to get everyone into the Halloween spirit, and in a nod to comedian Dan Cummins and his wife Lynze, hosts of my new favorite podcast, Scared to Death, I thought I would present a special multi-part blog series to share some of my own “personal tales of terror.”

Once again, we are deviating from our traditional spooky stories and terrifying tales to share a special Halloween memory that combines two of my all-time favorite subjects – practical jokes and poop! 

Now, it’s not lost on me that I’m following up a classy guest blog by an honest-to-god, real-life author and writer Del Jones, with an off-color piece that is the equivalent of some web-based bathroom humor. So, hopefully Del will have a good sense of humor about the whole thing, and he’ll forgive me for dragging him down into the gutter with this next installment, since I can’t imagine he would have signed up for something like this when he agreed to contribute a story to our multi-part Spooktober blog series (sorry in advance Del!)

And for you out there who are faint-of-heart, those delicate souls who get grossed out or who are easily offended by potty humor, specifically some pretty graphic, all-be-it good-natured poop references, let this serve as a warning that this particular blog isn’t for you, and you probably shouldn’t read on (I mean, the featured image for this blog post is the poop emoji, so that should tell you something…)

For more spooky stories, check out the Scared to Death podcast on Pandora, YouTube or at scaredtodeathpodcast.com.

And if you like what you hear, be sure to give them a positive rating or review.

You’ve Been Poo’ed

This next story has to do with our friends Dan and Heather, who used to live around the corner from us.

More specifically, it’s about a gag that was inspired by Heather, because of how over-the-top she would get when it came to celebrating Halloween each year.

Heather would decorate for Halloween like most people decorate for Christmas. The storage area in their basement was crammed full of plastic tubs containing fake cob webs and other spooky props. Each year, as soon as the calendar changed from September to October, there she would be, directing Dan and their son Drew around, overseeing extensive efforts to transform their house and yard into the scariest, and spookiest of settings.

 Around this time, preparations would also begin in earnest for their epic, annual adult-only costume party complete with Halloween themed hors d’oeuvres, some seriously frightening drinking games, and these elaborate, highly competitive, and super fun scavenger hunts that must have taken Heather and Dan months to plan for.

And without fail, Heather would always be that one person in the neighborhood to kick start the annual “You’ve been boo’ed” tradition.

If you are not familiar with being “boo’ed,” it’s a playful way to spread the Halloween spirit throughout your neighborhood while getting everybody in on the fun. Basically, it all starts with one person – in this case, Heather – who anonymously drops off surprises on two different neighbor’s doorsteps. The unexpectant neighbors go to answer the door, but instead of finding someone standing there on their porch they discover a baggy full of candy and other Halloween goodies, along with a copy of the traditional “You’ve been boo’ed” poem which explains the game’s ground rules, so to speak. Also included are several photocopies of the “You’ve been boo’ed” sign, one to hang on your front door to indicate to others that you’ve already been boo’ed, and a few extra copies to include with the bags of treats you assemble to “boo” two new families in the chain. And so, this goes on and on until every house in the neighborhood has been “boo’ed” which is evident by all of the “You’ve been boo’ed” signs adorning everyone’s front doors. 

Well, this particular fall was no different than years’ past. The calendar had no sooner flipped to October, and seemingly in the blink of an eye, Heather had their house all decked out in Halloween decorations. The very next night, right on cue, we went to answer our doorbell, only to discover that we had (surprise, surprise) been “boo’ed.”

 Right away we suspected Heather. Who else would be that amped up about Halloween to start “booing” people on October 2nd? Then immediately the conversation turned to talking about “booing” them back, because for whatever reason, for all that Heather did to initiate the Halloween festivities in our neighborhood, theirs was often one of the last houses to get included in on all of the fun, which just didn’t seem right.

No, we needed to get them back. But I couldn’t just go along with the status quo. I felt that we needed to put our own distinct, and of course humorous, spin on the whole “You’ve been boo’ed” tradition. 

What I came up with would combine two of my all-time favorite subjects ­– practical jokes and poop. In fact, I’m actually shocked that it’s taken me over a year of blogging to broach the topic of poop, considering how much I enjoy bathroom humor, and how I love to tell me some funny poop stories. 

I started by doing what I do best, I sat down and got to work creating the below masterpiece. Then I recruited my wife and kids to help with the next part. Teresa, who is an unbelievably talented artist, mocked-up a variation of the traditional “You’ve been boo’ed” sign, but I had her replace the ghost image with the poop emoji, and change the word “boo’ed” to “poo’ed”. When everything was ready, I had my boys Carson and Ryan carry out a covert mission to take the package we had put together and deliver it to Dan and Heather’s doorstep. 

The boys sat the package on Dan and Heather’s porch, rang their door bell, and then disappeared off into the darkness to avoid detection.

When Dan and Heather answered the door, they found a 5-gallon bucket with one of those cheap plastic toilet seats sitting on top of it with our “You’ve been poo’ed” sign taped to the lid.

We would find out later, that for a split second, they were legitimately afraid to lift the lid to see what was inside the bucket, suspecting that they were staring down at some warped byproduct of our mischief, and not fully able to rule out that we (and by “we” I of course mean “me”) wouldn’t cross the line and do something really gross. 

Instead, they slowly lifted the lid, peering inside to see two unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bars laying on top of several (unused) sheets of toilet paper which had been draped across the bucket to conceal the rest of the contents hidden below. 

If you’re not getting the joke, there is a reason why a Baby Ruth candy bar was thrown into the swimming pool during that classic scene in the movie Caddyshack. It’s because a Baby Ruth candy bar closely resembles a human turd, which is exactly the illusion we were going for with our bucket gag.

Eventually Dan and Heather were able to discern that it was indeed just fake poop, and after removing the toilet paper façade to unveil the contents beneath, they would find a stash of (unspoiled) candy bars along with an assortment of chocolates and other Halloween goodies.

To complete the joke, they would also find a copy of the below poem:

The air is cool, the season fall,

Soon Halloween will come to all…

With ghosts and goblins, spooks galore,

Trick-or-treaters at the door…

The spooks are after things to do,

In fact, a spook left this pile of shit for you…

The bearer of this crap, eluding detection in the dark,

Is the ghost in the white sheet with the brown skid mark…

There’s no escaping the horrid smell and moist fog that lingers,

You’ve fallen victim to the spirit bewitching “pull my finger”

Of devilish dumps and paranormal poop, you’ve been warned,

“Hey, when did I eat candy corn?”

These ghastly treats that come in sticky brown piles,

Are yours to enjoy, if only for a while…

Because the excitement grows when friends like you,

Will share in the fun of passing your own #2…

Neighbors will have disgusted looks on their faces

When they discover the poo left at all of their places…

A day or two to work your spell,

But keep it secret, make sure to wipe well…

Join in this movement, and empty your bowels,

And spread your own poo on this evenings Hallow…