So You Think You Have What It Takes To Be A Fella?

The only thing I like more than writing about our old high school fraternity Da’ Fellas, is providing common folk like you with rare behind-the-scenes access to our super secretive, and extremely exclusive membership organization.

I have touched on Da’ Fellas in some of my previous writings, for example, in my “For Hodge” blog post, and more recently, in the “History of PENTHIST1” section of my “Pentwater” blog, and while these certainly help to provide the lay-person with a rudimentary understanding of what it was like to be a Fella, there is no way to fully comprehend or appreciate the experience, until you are actually  sitting there in the Bull’s 5th Leg for the first time as a newly sworn-in member.

I like to think if circumstances were different, and we had known each other back in high school, that some of you might have been cool/crazy  enough to have been Fella material yourselves.

But before you submit your paperwork to request your Fella membership card, or sign up for my PENTHIST1 Course Site on Sakai, or ask when the try-outs will be for the Fella intramural basketball team, there is one very important step that you will need to complete. It’s a rite of passage that every Fella since the very beginning of our organization has gone through, and that is take the Fella Achievement Test.

In the old days before fancy learning management systems, or even the internet, the Fella Achievement Test (or F.A.T. as it was more commonly known) was a pen and paper test. It was a timed exam that would be administered during school, you know, when everybody was actually supposed to be focusing on their studies and learning how covalent bonds work or about what happened during Shays’ Rebellion, not taking educated guesses as to which Fella’s nickname is,  “squeaky cheeks” or exactly what Dinkly did to leave his “X” on the spot (which by the way—those are two completely unrelated pieces of Fella history—just for those of you who might be thinking there was some sort of unfortunate bathroom incident resulting in someone accidentally soiling their  Fruit-of-the-Looms…)

Typically, a copy of the test would be given to the prospective applicant in between classes, and they would have that class period (approximately 1 hour) to complete the exam to the best of their abilities, without any reference materials or so much as a hint from an existing Fella member.

Applicants were strictly on the honor system. Cheating was of course discouraged, but again in the days before smartphones and Apple watches, the most we had to worry about was someone sneaking away to the John W. Chi Memorial Library to try and look  up answers on microfiche or search for clues buried deep in the musty recesses of the card catalog.

Of course, it didn’t really matter. The Fella Achievement Test was specifically designed so that it was virtually impossible for anyone to pass, and that was the point.

The nice thing about having an exclusive membership organization, is having complete control over who gets admitted to the club. So yes, my prior statement about every new Fella having taken the Fella Achievement Test is true, the part that I left out, is that every single one of those prospective applicants failed miserably. But  as was our customary practice, the matter would then go before the full membership for a vote. Before the ink from the “Failed” rubber stamp even had time to dry on the applicant’s F.A.T. attempt, our members would all take a simple majority vote on whether or not to invite the person into our fraternity, which almost always happened, since you usually didn’t get a chance to sit for the F.A. T. unless we were already prepared to have you join our ranks.

Da’ Few, Da’ Proud

If you want to try your luck, see how well you would stack up against former Fella recruits who sat down to take the F.A.T. more than thirty years ago, grab a #2 pencil and clear your calendar for the next hour.

I shouldn’t have to say this, but no cheating. 

There are plenty of 50/50 questions sprinkled throughout the test, that with enough lucky guesses, you might be able to muster a respectable showing. But if by some miracle you are able to get all of the questions right, or even 90% correct, I will immediately resign my post as Co-Exultant Dude Emeritus and hand over the reigns of the entire Fella apparatus to you, since you would have done something that nobody else has been able to do,, and in the process proven yourself a worthy heir.

But even if you aren’t able to get a single question right, don’t get too discouraged. Just remember the Fella Achievement Test has never been about pass/fail—it is just the symbolic first step to officially becoming a Fella.

So I guess what I’m saying is that if you want to submit your completed exam to me, I will commit to going through and marking it up with my handy red pen so you can see how well you faired.

And who knows, by the powers vested in me by the Almighty Yoda himself, perhaps I’ll even grant you status as an honorary member in Da’ Fellas, complete with getting your very own Fella name, and if you play your cards right (pun intended) maybe even your own Fella photo ID.

But first things first…

The following includes a sampling of questions from the Generic Fella Achievement Test, All New Fella Achievement Test, and Fella Reinstatement Examination, as well as a handful of bonus questions that I added into the mix. 

Good luck.

Xavier McWillykems

Founding Member & Co-Exultant Dude Emeritus

Da’ Fellas

“Time passes, will you?”

D.A.F.F.Y. D.U.D.E.S. Founder - Mike Lehman

Sample Fella Achievement Test

1--Complete the following sentence:

The ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___ ___.

2--How many containers of Bull Juice come in a pack?

3--What other Fella did Xav share a driver’s ed car with?

4--What is the term to show disapproval at Fella meetings?

5--What kind of bodily function does Yoda have irregularity with according to Mike McBride?

6--True or False: Once Xav fell off the Bull’s 5th Leg official poker table and hit his face on a street sign which knocked out one of his front teeth?

7--What is the phone number for the K-Mart Auto Supplies Tire and Service Center for the store on West Saginaw in Lansing, Michigan?

8--Who placed a large amount of Silly Puddy on Xav’s lawn chair resulting in quite a mess?

9--What is used as a gavel at Fella meetings?

10--What Fella fell asleep with his feet in a bonfire?

11--What does the Skipper and the weather have in common?

12--Who wrote the sacred text that all new Fella recruits read from during their initiation ceremony?

13--What is Jethro Hafnium’s driver’s license number?

14-- What cassette tape did Xav and Hearaldo listen to non-stop while working on the Bull’s 5th Leg during its first major remodel?

15--Who led the Tom Maki All-Stars in goals scored against the Brandon Foster Barbarians in a February (1990) game at Loco Coliseum?

16--What is the full name of the Bull’s 5th Leg official party mascot?

17--How many Fellas does it take to pass a Mr. Crawford exam?

18--What is the birth date of Sergeant Jacques P. Demuyer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police?

19--What movie has become the basis for all Fella happenings?

20—Who is the latest recruit (As of spring 1990) into the D.A.F.F.Y. D.U.D.E.S.?

21--Name the three component groups in “The Alliance”

22—Which came first, Xav or Dink?

23--On what official looking document did the Latin phrase “E Spicky Spacky Plurbus” appear?

24--On what does the “Late Night Fella Cam” rest in the Bull’s 5th Leg?

25-- What did Bobo threaten to do if Xav, Heraldo, and Hanzz parachuted out of the plane that Bobo was going to hot-wire to take them all up for a joy ride?

26--What is Xav’s dad’s mom’s first name?

27--Who made the quote, “The man who graduates today, and stops learning tomorrow, is uneducated the day after”?

28--What’s the term used to describe a group of Fellas?

29--What is the name of Bud McBeef’s half-human brother?

30--What is the name of the official governing document for the Fraternal Order of Da’ Fellas?